In retrospect, I had a terrible time with not getting hired as a seminary teacher because I had come to think that although I had no confidence in myself, if I could just stay righteous enough, the Lord would make everything work out.  This allowed me to risk, and to work harder than I had ever done before. It was a necessary stage in my development, but the Lord also wants us to have faith in ourselves.  That is what I am developing now.  When Seminary didn’t work out it raised a lot of issues.  First and foremost was that maybe I just wasn’t righteous enough; I began to think I still wasn’t good enough for god to help me out. Secondly, I was angry with god.  This was the first time in my life that I ever gave everything to what I was doing.  I went way out on a limb, and then he let me fall. That took a long time for me to get over. In some ways I think I am still working on that.


I am looking forward to having a new relationship with the Lord, one where I am not so needy, one where I can do some things for myself.  I am looking forward to having a relationship like this with everyone.  A relationship where I won’t have to freak out every time something doesn’t go my way just because I can’t do anything for myself.  I will love others more when I don’t need them as much. 



2 Responses to “2/28/2003”

  1. closer2fine Says:

    Hi! Thanks for the comment. You’re very right about human intimacy. Forming relationships with people is the best thing ever.
    I’m wondering about your situation right now. Are you an apostate, then? Your background doesn’t really make that clear.
    I used to be a hard-core Mormon, served a mission and everything, until 5-6 months ago I started learning more about the church history and realizing how different the original church is from today’s. Came to the conclusion that we’re probably just like any other man-made religion. It was a pretty hard conclusion to come to, but after the smoke’s cleared I’m glad I left.

  2. I am an apostate (at least in the eyes of the LDS church). It is a term I still dislike somewhat because I grew up hearing such negative connotations associated with it. In my case leaving the LDS church was a decision to stay true to myself and my sense of the divine, so in a sense, had I remained LDS given my experiences and feelings I would have been an apostate to who I truly was.

    As part of my journey, and in part to facilitate a process of grieving I am posting entries from my Journal dealing with my thoughts and feelings about the LDS church over the past four years or so. Naturally the older entries I am posting here don’t have quite the “apostate” flare to them that some of the later entries will. Ironically, my journey out of the LDS church began with a renewed comittment to grow closer to the divine.

    The conclusion that the LDS church is a man made religion was a difficult one for me as well. I am glad I left, but sometimes miss the certainty and fellowship I felt as an LDS member. The world is much more colorful however and I am able to form much more intimate and meaningful relationships with others now that I have left that worldview behind. I am truly free to be who I am, and that is a wonderful feeling.

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