Archive for Anger at God

2/28/2003

Posted in Apostatejournal with tags , , , on June 13, 2008 by apostatejournal

In retrospect, I had a terrible time with not getting hired as a seminary teacher because I had come to think that although I had no confidence in myself, if I could just stay righteous enough, the Lord would make everything work out.  This allowed me to risk, and to work harder than I had ever done before. It was a necessary stage in my development, but the Lord also wants us to have faith in ourselves.  That is what I am developing now.  When Seminary didn’t work out it raised a lot of issues.  First and foremost was that maybe I just wasn’t righteous enough; I began to think I still wasn’t good enough for god to help me out. Secondly, I was angry with god.  This was the first time in my life that I ever gave everything to what I was doing.  I went way out on a limb, and then he let me fall. That took a long time for me to get over. In some ways I think I am still working on that.

 

I am looking forward to having a new relationship with the Lord, one where I am not so needy, one where I can do some things for myself.  I am looking forward to having a relationship like this with everyone.  A relationship where I won’t have to freak out every time something doesn’t go my way just because I can’t do anything for myself.  I will love others more when I don’t need them as much. 

 

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