Archive for God

5/11/2003

Posted in Apostatejournal with tags , , on June 16, 2008 by apostatejournal

I don’t think I’ve ever forgiven God for letting me down, when maybe all the time he was lifting me up. I was so hurt, and so afraid, and so alone, and it seemed like all my faith, hope and dreams meant nothing to him.  It felt like he was slapping me in the face, that he wouldn’t accept my offering, that I was not good enough.  I knew in my own heart that maybe I wasn’t good enough.  I wasn’t perfect.  I wanted so much to be perfect, that I was nothing more than a beanpole and could not be moved.  Maybe he wanted someone a little more humble, ready and willing to accept imperfection.  I pray that I can become the man that I was meant to be, the being I was meant to be somewhere deep inside.  I love my faith, I love the gospel. And I have become a cynic I think, because I believed that deep down inside I was never good enough.  Who wants to believe in a god that will never accept you?  Yet in contrast to my belief, “the very foes who slay thee have access to thy grace.” “The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose, I will not, I can not desert to his foes.”  “God is not dead nor does he sleep. The wrong shall fail the right prevail with peace on earth good will toward men.”  How can I cope on my own? All this time I have decided God will not help me.  I am a fool. But hopefully a humble fool, who sees his foolishness and wants to change.

 

I need to find my way back into his grace.  I’m running out of my own. God  Bless us, every one!

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