Archive for LDS

10-6-2003

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , , , on June 19, 2008 by apostatejournal

Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. I feel rather conflicted, I want so much to honor my Jewish heritage, but I wonder if I am not just looking for a panacea for my problems. I long to connect with my past. I believe in a collective unconscious, and believe that some of it is genetic. In some way I long for a connection to my roots. Can I be satisfied with knowing about my ancestor’s religion and celebrating a few traditions? Or do I need and want more? I feel lost.

 

 I read a statement in one of the books that I am reading, it said that if we must continually find or invent meaning for ourselves, we will never have time to make that meaning very deep. Thus, meaning rooted in tradition, ritual, and time have deeper and more profound meaning that is better explored.

 

This exploration of my Jewish heritage has begun to help me to turn toward God, and to see my own nothingness before him, not in embarrassment, but simply as a fact. I am not as useful, nor as capable as I would like to be, but I am also not as awful as I sometimes believed either. The deep meaning behind the Day of Atonement, of acknowledging that I am an imperfect man, of realizing that God loves me, and seeks after me despite my failings has been a beautiful blessing for which I am deeply grateful.

 

What is it that I want from seeking out my heritage? I think I long to find belonging, to find myself, to find the place that I fit in, but I am not all Jewish. Will I fit in there any better than in the Mormon community? I worry that I am trying to sell my soul again, just to feel comfortable. I worry that I am going overboard. But then I must also ask myself if this is because I am getting that feedback from others around me, or from my own internalized guilt? I ask myself what I would do if I were alone, and without a family. I think I would try on the Jewish way of life. I would go and see if it fit, however, where I am now this has the potential to be met with a lot of resistance. What I would do on my own should not be the ultimate question in my heart because I am not alone. I have a wife and family. I must do some things for and because of them, if they are willing to go along with this then I am okay, but I think that there will come a point where my wife will want to draw the line.

 

I question myself also as to whether I really could try on the Jewish Faith. I cannot deny my testimony of the gospel, nor give up the perspective that it gives me. Indeed, I think it gives me great insight into what I have learned of the Jewish Faith. I want both, but how can I have this? The ideal I suppose would be for me to be able to convert to a very liberal form of Judaism. This might allow me the freedom to have my own beliefs even though they differ from the mainstream. Then I could honor both in my own heart and my own way.  I need to resolve this enough to put it on the shelf for a few months until I actually have time to study it out more. Perhaps I just need to do a little research and find out if Jewish/Mormon conversion/existence is a possibility. Then I will know what is possible and have time to decide.

 

I am frightened by my new view of religion; I am less certain about everything, and more certain of the mystery. I do believe, and yet I question. I long for the ability to have faith and calmness and peace once again, but I do not want to give up myself. I am frightened, and religiously paralyzed by the changes that have taken place in me. I have been sitting on the fence wondering what to do. Now I have recommitted to build a relationship again with God. I really felt that during the Tashlich ceremony. But I am frightened because I don’t know how things will turn out. I am afraid. Sometimes, maybe even moving in the wrong direction is better than being paralyzed by fear. Maybe I should follow my heart and see what I learn. May the Lord guide me and keep me from harm.

 

Master of the Universe, if you are listening, I am trying to listen also. Perhaps we can meet in the middle.

A Little Background

Posted in ApostateJournal with tags , , , , , , , , , on June 10, 2008 by apostatejournal

I served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS) and came home on fire with religious fervor. I couldn’t imagine not filling every waking hour of my life with devotion to God. I loved to teach so after some reflection I decided to become a seminary teacher. I finished all the required courses (as well as the equivalent of a master’s degree in LDS institute studies). I worked five or six hours a night to prepare lessons while student teaching. I believed I had a calling from God to share his gospel as a seminary teacher and so I put everything I had into this work. I had received a revelation telling me that this was the path I was to take in life. I had similar revelations about who to marry, and other important decisions in life and following the voice of God in my mind and heart had never led me astray.

 

My student teaching position was not ideal. My mentor was burned out and unenthusiastic. He offered no help whatsoever to me and went golfing as soon as I began teaching his class. My task was to interest the kids (during the last three weeks of high school) and teach powerful compelling lessons that would both edify and enlighten the students while still passing muster with the person who would be evaluating my teaching skills. This was no simple task. I encountered huge resistance with the students. They were so used to using the class to finish homework or play computer games that the idea of having a serious lesson was anathema to them. I worked tirelessly to make the lessons fun and exciting and it ended up being a good experience. My rating from the students was a little low but my instructor, after hearing the disastrous circumstances of my placement and observing the quality of my lessons agreed to hire me for a year of part time teaching.

 

I was elated; I had never been let down when following a revelation from the Lord. Later that summer however, he called and informed me that they were not going to have as many openings as he thought and I would not get the job he had offered. He said he would like me to student teach again and that he would find me a better placement and he felt certain that I would make a good seminary teacher. He agreed to call me to set me up with another student teaching assignment. I waited… and waited… he never called.

 

I had given everything I had to this quest and I was out of energy. I suppose if I had pursued taken the time to follow up I might have been granted another chance. However, in the back of my mind, I had a suspicion that I had been denied the job because of a conflict with my name. My father had once worked for the LDS church, and had come under suspicion of apostasy. Although he was proved innocent, he was forced out of his employment and it became obvious that he was being blocked from receiving any important callings or ever working for the church again. Deep down, I sensed that my quest for this career had met a roadblock that I would not be able to conquer. It is certainly possible that I was wrong.

 

As I continued working in the field of education and music I slipped into a deep depression. I had struggled most of my life with a powerful anxiety disorder and off and on with depression. I felt my life had lost direction and I struggled to understand how God could have called me as a seminary teacher and promised me success and then have not opened the way. If I had felt that calling continuing I would have done anything to follow that path, even face repeated failures if necessary but the fire of revelation was no longer there. I began to wonder if I was not good enough, if perhaps the Lord had withdrawn his promises to me because of my own lack of strength.

 

This depression and sense of loss of direction grew even as I began to pursue new career and returned to school for a masters degree. I held important and satisfying church callings, sometimes holding up to five callings at once. I told myself that my training in education and seminary teaching was being put to good use regardless of the outcome and tried to be satisfied. However, perhaps due to depression, I felt increasingly isolated and out of touch with god.

 

It is at this point, several years after my seminary experience, that my journey begins by revisiting that event and beginning to question my own understanding of my relationship with God. My sense of separation from God and a growing sense of cynicism bothered me. As part of my Journey I realized that I had a compelling desire to revisit the faith and culture my father had come from. I began an in depth study of Jewish religion and culture.

 

What follows are entries from my personal journals as I made this journey.